To the person with the glossy spray-paint....

OK, I've reached the bottom of the barrel. In trying to finish my Guard army, and by finish I mean paint every single model I will ever play in any type of game, I have finally gotten to the "shunned Guardsmen".

These are the Guardsmen that only come out during whacky experiments during apocalypse games. They are the models that I got in lots with other models I purchased from various people on eBay. I didn't build them. I didn't prime them.

They are the sorriest things I've ever seen. Their mould lines stand up like over-starched creases on a Marine's dress uniform. Their hands and wrists aren't aligned. They have been primed, painted, stripped, primed again, and painted again so many times that their faces are burned off and you can barely see where their belt ends and their pants begin.

I know some of them are worth five cents because that is what a previous owner glued to the inside of the base to weigh the mini down.

Everyone needs to understand that the new box of Guardsmen or Orks or Space Marines that you got for Christmas and assembled with love will outlast your existence in this hobby. They will go on to other children like Woody and Buzz, to be played with for generation after generation.

These Guardsmen have seen at least three, possible more, owners before I got them.

With that thought, please understand that when you use off-white glossy spray paint to prime your minis, somebody, someday, will curse you loudly.

And that is why I am writing this. To the person with the glossy spray-paint who thought it would make a good primer for your Guardsmen, may you suffer the fate of a man that has been bitten by a million sand-fleas. If you are still disgracing the table-top hobby scene with your beyond-awful lack of painting skill, I hope that you lose every game twice over. May every paint brush that touches your hand cause you to break out with hives and blisters. May the nozzle on your can of off-white glossy spray-paint explode and cover your head and body with the same horrid off-white color that cannot be washed off or painted over. May every table you lean on while playing this game collapse, injuring both you and your models in the most hideous ways. May your nightmares be of you being attacked by platoon after platoon of glossy off-white miniature guardsmen who spear you with their bayonets. Not enough to kill, but enough to cause endless suffering to avenge how you defiled your models.

And during your suffering I hope that you remember that the models you have now will outlive you in this hobby. So treat them with some frakkin respect.

Consider this my annual public service announcement.