My Efff'd Up Tournament Advice

Is it really that important to you?

I won't be attending Mechanicon this year. It's not that I don't like tournaments, I just don't like the people who play in them. Seriously, it's not you, it's me. Really.

Mechanicon is a really great event and I had tossed around the idea of going but other plans got in the way. The motivation for me just isn't there, either. I like the slower paced games. Basement games. Games where my opponent is just there to have a good time, not there trying to prove their manhood by beating me at a game of plastic toy soldiers.

What makes Mechanicon different is that the ratio of asshats to cool players isn't as bad as other tournaments. However, the victory hungry competitive types are there, too.

If you are attending Mechanicon (or any other tournament), then here are my suggestions for you...

1. Bath, bitch, 'cause yo smell

Seriously, take a shower either the night before or the day of the event. And that means every day. Slap some deodorant in those pits. This is important.

2. Lose the first and second game

Yep, that's right. Blow the game. Try new shit out, maybe a different tactic or two. Try charging into that 30 boy mob of 'Ard Boyz with your command squad. 

Why? To get to the best games of your life. 

OK, here's the dealio.... Tournaments have a ranking system that will (hopefully) keep you playing against opponents with the same relative skill as yours. Sure, the first round is anyone's guess, but the second round will probably be winners versus winners and losers versus losers. This is to ensure that someone with a lot of skill doesn't come in and play five games against five teenagers that have a combined gaming experience of four minutes. 

Ask yourself this question: why are you playing at the tournament? If you are hoping to place high, maybe win, then try for it. Win as much as you can. If you are there to get five games played in a single weekend and have a good time, then lose the first two games. And lose big. Get tabled. And laugh your ass off. 

What will happen is that games three, four, and five will be against other cool players that are there just to have a good time. Let the competitors compete against each other. Play against the cool dudes. 

I've done this in the last two tournaments I've played in. I'd like to claim it was on purpose, but we all know it wasn't. In both tournaments I played my last game against the same person. Two different tournaments, two different cities, same player last game. One of the coolest cats I've played against, too. Trust me, my losing system works. 

3. Don't overreact

Seriously? You're going to bitch and complain when you lose or a judge calls something against you or Draigo just shafted you with his Codex of Doom? You're going to get upset when the schedule gets messed up or you're waiting too long between games or some other silly shit?

Remember: you are playing with plastic toys. In the grand scheme of things the outcome of this tournament means jack shit. Overreact and you become this guy:

4. Take Yoda's advice

Don't be afraid of losing. Don't get angry when you do. Don't get stressed over the weekend. Don't get caught smoking doobies.